Drink 14: Detective Thomas

The Name: Detective Thomas                                                                                 

The Bar: Knave-- at Le Parker Meridian (118 West 57th st.)

The Story Behind The Name: For several summers, I worked as a camp counselor. At this particular camp, counselors were assigned to a group to work with-- divided by age and, for the younger kids, gender. I was assigned to work JB1, the group of five year old boys, which required a lot of energy. A lot of energy. But, I worked with some really great people, it was tons of fun, and I unsurprisingly have a lot of great stories from it (some of which might show up in later entries for this blog). The thing about little kids is that they are incredibly entertaining. Remember, Bill Cosby had an entire show based around the fact that kids are super weird and say amusing things. Well, that show was basically my life for three summers.

Once they had "Pirate Day" at camp and I took full advantage of this. I had a penguin on my shoulder instead of a parrot, which I thought was funny but the five year olds all thought was stupid.

Of the many kids that I got to be the counselor for, one stands out as saying the most darnedest of things. His name was Thomas, and even at the age of five, I think he should have a career in stand-up. This kid was hilarious. We're specifically told not to play favorites with the kids, for obvious reasons. And I really did genuinely like and care for all of my campers...but if I'm being honest, Thomas was one of my favorites. To be fair, I had lots of favorites, but Thomas was  DEFINITELY one of them.

Thomas had many funny quirks, but my favorite was that he would consistently point out really obvious things. This may not sound funny, but take a look at these verbatim conversations. I've put Thomas' lines in italics.

"Okay, guys, it's time to go swimming!"
"That means we go to the swimming pool."

 "Okay, JB1! We're going to play tennis! So we're headed to the tennis courts!"
"That's where we play tennis."

"I hope you're all hungry because iiiiiiit's lunchtime!"
"That's when we eat lunch!"

These are undoubtedly amusing, but imagine hearing similar observations made by the same kid multiple times a day, five days a week, while you and a group of five other young adults and teenagers try to wrangle over thirty excited five year-old boys in ninety degree weather. Imagine just HOW HILARIOUS each new observation would become. It would be like the very best of Arrested Development's running gags, but in real life.

It's funny because none of them sound or move like real chickens --Thomas

These observations became a highlight of the day. And the other counselors and I were lucky because Thomas seemed more than happy to make numerous observations as the day went on. Due to his ability to figure out the incredibly obvious, we all nicknamed him "Detective Thomas," a moniker which he seemed perfectly happy with and which several of the other campers started using too. Because of how much we enjoyed Detective Thomas' sleuthing skills, the counselors and I would try to set up situations where Detective Thomas could crack the case.

"Okay, guys, it's time to put on some sunscreen. Does anyone know what that SCREENS us against? Detective Thomas?" 
"The sun!"
"GOOD JOB! YOU SOLVED ANOTHER ONE, DETECTIVE THOMAS!"

Then, there was the fateful day that another camper, Peter, turned six. The other counselors and I were so excited because we knew this offered lots of opportunities for mysteries that Thomas could lend his skills to. We brought Peter up in front of the group.

"Okay, everyone. It's Peter's birthday! That's awesome! Peter, how old were you yesterday?" we asked.

"Five!" Peter dutifully replied.

"And how old are you today?" we asked.

"SIX!" Peter replied excitedly.

"Wow!" we said, feigning excitement. "Now, Peter, this is a tough one. How old will you be tomorrow?"

"Six!" said Peter. He was not taking any of our funny business and would not be done in by our incredibly easy riddle.

"Very good." Peter had proven to be a worthy opponent...but it was time to test the detective. "Hey, Thomas! If Peter is six today, how old will he be on his next birthday?" We were so excited. Thomas was going to nail this.

"Five!" Thomas confidently replied.

The other counselors and I stared at each other. We had no idea what to do. Surely the five (and six) year old campers could sense our worry, but we had no time to concern ourselves with them. Detective Thomas had said something that was clearly wrong. We didn't know how to react to this. I like to think that all of the counselors connected psychically in that moment. We agreed that it was important for Detective Thomas to be absolutely correct about everything-- even if this changed the basic rules of time and mathematics. We all burst out laughing, and replied.

"Well, if Detective Thomas says you'll be five next year, then he must be correct! I guess you're going to be five again next year, Peter. Sorry about that," we said. Peter, showing maturity far beyond his years, took this news very well and happily returned to his seats.

That moment started a new tone at camp. Thomas, in all of his sleuthing glory, seemed to realize that we found the fact that he got this question wrong INCREDIBLY ENTERTAINING and he was more than happy to oblige. For the rest of the summer, Thomas no longer pointed out obvious things, now he seemed to be completely incorrect about everything.

"Okay, guys, it's time to go swimming!"
"Are we going to play baseball?"
"YES, DETECTIVE THOMAS! YES WE ARE!"

As you can see, Detective Thomas is a true legend, and so I decided to order a drink in his honor.

Ordering The Drink: Before I get to the actual drink itself, I want to talk about Le Parker Meridian hotel in New York City. It's a swanky hotel near Carnegie Hall and is, by all accounts, a lovely hotel. Very lavish. Here are some pictures.

Fancy lobby!

Fancy lobby, but taken by me on my phone. I think the professional one a smidgen better at capturing the lobby's majesty.

 But, amidst its seemingly-fancy nature, Le Parker Meridian has a secret. If you don't know to look for it, you'd miss it, but if you chance to look to your right while you walk through the lobby, you might catch a glimpse of a little alleyway. One with this sign hanging on it.

It's a burger. And it's there because, in Le Parker Meridian hotel, there is a secret greasy burger joint, known as Burger Joint.

I wonder if Detective Thomas would be able to figure out what food they serve there.

 It's a pretty awesome place. For a long time, it was a secret and only those "in the know" even knew of its existence. Now, it's a lot more famous (and How I Met Your Mother made an entire episode based on it) but it still has the feel of a secret place that nobody knows about. The burgers are tasty, but the environment is just really cool. Plus, a lot of celebrities go there (and write their names on the walls). The first time I went there, I saw Kathy Griffin. Anyway, I happened to be in the area one day, and decided to stop in for a burger. It was a great decision.

I mention this part of the story because people should know about the Burger Joint if they don't already. But also to brag about how I got to eat a delicious burger.

It was even more delicious than the picture makes it look.

As I left the Burger Joint, I walked through a bar area, and thought that the perfect way to wash down this burger was with a custom-ordered drink. The bar area is called Knave, and looks like this:

Fancy bar!

Or, on my low-quality phone...

Note the red drapes. They are the red carpet of drapes.

I went to the bar, which had two people behind it. One woman was busy, so I asked the other bartender-- a guy who looked young enough to be one of my campers-- whether it would be possible for him to make me a drink based on the name alone. He looked kind of terrified. I was worried that my request might get denied. Luckily, the female bartender came to his rescue and asked me what the name was. When I said "The Detective Thomas," she said she'd be able to make something and asked me to take a seat in one of the very fancy chairs that surround the bar.

After a little while, a waitress came over and brought me a plate of snacks. Even though I'd just eaten, this was awesome, and Knave had already scored a bunch of points in my book.

Fried olives! And nuts!

A few minutes, and a few fried olives later, the waitress returned with my drink. She had clearly been told about my unusual order, as she said "You have to let me know what you think," as she placed the drink down.

The bartenders at Knave work on my drink. God, I suck at taking pictures.

The Drink:

 

Gin

Soda

Muddled lemon and lime

Elderflower Liqueur

Assessment of Drink: Much like a previous drink I ordered for this blog-- the Comedian Jack-- I had a distinct idea of what I thought this drink would be. The "Thomas" part of the name immediately made me think that, if I were making this drink, I'd make it like a Tom Collins-- a classic cocktail of gin, soda, and lemon juice. As soon as the drink was sat down, I knew that this bartender had clearly thought along the same lines. The lemons floating in it-- and the fact that it looked like a gin-based drink-- indicated that this had the elements of a Tom Collins. Now, of course, this couldn't JUST be a Tom Collins-- there had to be something else to make it specifically a "Detective Thomas" (if I were making the drink, I would have put something red in it-- maybe grenadine or muddled strawberries-- to allude either to A Study in Scarlet or the term "red herring").

 

As I tasted my drink, I was immediately looking to see if there was something unexpected at play. I have to say, this drink was absolutely delicious. Summer had just come to the city, and this drink was appropriately refreshing-- I could see sipping this on a porch somewhere. And, sure enough, there was clearly something else. Gin, check. Soda, check. Citrus, check (there were muddled lemons and limes instead of lemon juice-- a nice touch). I couldn't place it. It tasted almost like anise, but a bit milder since that is a somewhat overpowering flavor. I decided not to dwell on identifying the flavor (which I was later informed was elderflower liqueur) and simply enjoyed my light and refreshing drink. If Detective Thomas had been there, he would have said "It tastes good!" Except that he is probably only nine years old now, so...he probably would have said "I am too young to drink that!"

Does It Live Up To The Name: Absolutely. This was exactly the drink I hoped to receive when I ordered this drink. The take on a Tom Collins was perfect for the name. And the elderflower liqueur was a perfect addition--not something that anyone would guess (except for a great detective). Not only was it a fantastic mystery ingredient, but it tasted great, and complimented the citrus and gin (if you are interested in trying elderflower liqueur, the best known one is called St. Germain and can be found at most well-stocked liquor stores). I would not only be happy to have this drink again, but I would call it a Detective Thomas every single time.

I also have to mention the great staff at Knave! It was a great group and I got to talk to them a bit after I had finished my drink. The waitress and the female bartender had apparently concocted the drink together and were really happy with their efforts. They asked if this was an experiment, and seemed excited to hear about the blog and that they were going to check it out (If you're reading this, Knave staff, thanks again for the drink! Sorry this took so long to post!)

So, if you're ever near the Parker Meridian hotel and in the mood for a burger, be sure to stop at Knave for a quick drink. Do it for Detective Thomas.

I took a picture of the ceiling at Knave because it was cool. And because I clearly need more practice at taking pictures on my phone.

A professional picture of the burgers at Parker Meridian. My pictures really didn't do them justice.